September blues

I will warn you now that this is a whinge.

We are into the second week of the new term, the new start, my personal New Year of September, with all its promise of things starting over, slates and school shoes clean alike.

It isn’t going according to plan.

No2 elected to be lavishly sick all over the hall floor yesterday morning just as we got ready to leave for school. Boots (the shoes were still in the airing cupboard after Monday night’s school run downpour), coat, floor – a neat puddle from skirting board to skirting board, boys on one side, me on the other, appalled No2 in the middle.

Cue Plan B, a faintly guilt-ridden dropping of No1 and then No3 in the car (do you keep a child off for sibling sick or not?), purse forgotten, thirsty car unfilled and bleating piteously that it didn’t want to do the return trip.

One of my two child-free mornings of the week (and the first since the end of last term) spent juggling work calls with a puking and miserable 6 year old. Plans cancelled, errands un-run, people let down. Today, a repeat (minus, as of yet, the emissions) but with bored children and quarantine scuppering any ideas to get out and actually get anything done.

A computer which wheezes into life, and spends most of the available working time I have gasping “Help me!” and a to-do list growing wildly and laughing at me.

It is driving me mad.

None of it is serious, thank God. None of it is permanent, none of it changes the fact that I am incredibly lucky in life. I don’t know whether I have always struggled this much with lack of control over circumstances, or whether  the simple fact of having three small children inevitably leaves me hostage to so much which it is beyond me to influence. I just find myself craving windows of clear time, and the small but satisfying hit of feeling like I’ve actually got something done.

I had such plans for this new term, and already I feel myself slipping into the same-old, same-old muttering through from hour to hour. Keeping the home fire burning sometimes feels like a thankless task.

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2 thoughts on “September blues

  1. I know this feeling so well 😦 – I know it’s only one further day along but hope things may be looking slightly shinier.
    I always think ‘I’ll do it next week then’ which may not strictly be possible or healthy but limits the blues a little bit 🙂

  2. I hear you, I really do.
    For a moment, however, I will slip into the older self that I am…having come through (almost!) the other side of raising three children and managing a household. I feel that for me looking back now, I would just like to say to that former self “you ARE achieving something, every day, hour, moment. You are raising children, the next generation. So on the face of it you only added to the ‘to do’ list today, you lost your temper and felt frustrated, like a hamster scurrying round and round on an eternal wheel. But really how much of it is important? None of it is as important as those three small people, who are your world, your joy, your challenge and your triumph!”
    So I look back now, I still don’t seem to shorten my to do list and when they are around those three big small people make more mess than they ever did when they were small…but when I look a little closer I can see glimpses of the good work that I did for all those years. When we are all sharing a meal or playing The Logo game, laughing and joking, when we share quieter moments or have those big heated discussions where their passion and enthusiasm for life shines brightly…oh yes it was still hard work, that felt thankless more often than not….but would I go back and do it differently? Was it worth it? Why no I wouldn’t change a single moment and yes, yes it was so worth it.
    I hope number 2 is feeling well again soon (and that 1 & 3 do not follow suit! The eternal plea of any mama with a poorly child of three!). And please keep on having a whinge whenever you need to, whatever keeps us sane! And I shall keep on reading and remembering and feeling grateful to have been there…but also to not be in the thick of it now (and also reminded that how things are now will change and shift and that it’s all good even when it’s bad!)

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